Back in town

Ten days in at home.  Met my my daughter, shared laughs with family and friends, watched my first NHL game, froze my ass in the tundra that is home.  I'm back to reality now, a much more beautiful surround, but harsh in its economic climate.  It is a place where most struggle to maintain a full wallet, but the beauty and the mild climate offer a more conducive environment to happiness.  In the arctic plain money is more abundant, but the weather sends you cowering towards the pub, or simply hiding indoors liked a caged beast.  That is the question I pose everyday.  Money and misery or poverty and serenity? 

Where can that middle ground be found?  This "sunshine tax" is a sonovabitch, but I can afford to be broke if I'm happy, whereas it is extremely expensive to be miserable.  Money doesn't buy you happiness.  This I know.  It does, however, offer distractions to remove thoughts of unhappiness from your mind.  When I was living in the tundra I had plenty of money, but I was so mad at my life that I imbibed in any and all things to forget that I was a sour soul poisoning the well.  Here I am broke and the urge to purge is greater than that to imbibe.  My desire for the mind altering drugs has diminished.  My escape through sexual escapades has drastically declined. 

Happy and broke for the short term feels right...Then what?  There's that nagging voice in my sub-conscience screaming for a long term plan, goals, security, roots, equity, retirement savings and on and on it goes...
That voice by the way, is my mother.  Constant in consistency and consistently prattling about growing up...
Thank you mother...Right away mother.

I'm not sure how to put into words the avalanche of emotions that crushed me yesterday.  I met my daughter for the very first time, my baby mama for only the second time.  After walking for hours my baby brother, who is no longer a baby, came and picked me up. Deep talk there with pints in hand.  When he dropped me off mom and I had a chat.  We laughed we cried and we drank.  Fuck, did we drink.  My head spins and my stomach churns... Not so much from the drink, but the stories told, secrets whispered... Finally meeting my mom even though I've known her all my life.
Meeting my daughter was scary and crazy cool. She loves blueberries and puppies and dancing.  She has a conniving smile, a smirk that says she's up to something, which she most likely gets from me... She doesn't know who I am, but baby mama and I both agree, she knows something's different about me, I'm not just some guy.  It was weird.  She knew without knowing, you know?
Baby mama was calm. We chatted about the awkwardness of the situation. How to make the most of it and not succumb to external pressures.  This is not a typical relationship, but who gives a shit about typical? My daughter came In to this world a bright vibrant light, she is amazing.  She's going to kick some ass.

I'm going home to visit friends and family today.  I haven't been home in more than two years.
Before I left there was a drunken one night stand that resulted in a one night stand. That one night stand produced an offspring... I have a daughter and I'm just about to meet her for the very first time! It is an experience unlike anything I have yet to encounter.

The thoughts and doubts and worries and everything that creeps into your head when you don't know what you are getting yourself into have made camp in every facet of my being.  I was a mess when I planted my seed. Have my mistakes in life been inherited by this young innocent life I have sown?  This was not in my plan, but then what life altering events are ever truly our own design? How often do you choose your path and how often is that path beaten before your eyes. Beyond ones control the trees are slashed back for ones footsteps to follow.

A woman I barely know has carried in her womb a soul which is half mine! A woman I had a great night with and have never seen again!  This some kind of something. A new one for me, that's for sure. New has never been a bad thing. Intimidating, imposing, illuminating, irrational. My mind spins and my stomach churns. I'm not ready, but show me ready and I'll show you a lie. The idea of preparedness is one of delusion.  The concept of preconception and preparation are similar to the inspiration of fairy tales.  Whilst we think we've armed ourselves for what we think shall come to pass, nothing could have trained us for this.  Nothing in those fables armed me for what is about to transpire.  I have a daughter, a baby mama... People who need me to be better than who I am. Up until this moment, that last sentence pondered, has it truly slapped me in the face with the truth.  I am a father. A father provides. A father cares. A father protects. I have done none of these do date.  Hell, I can barely save myself.  My own father is trying, as I write, to return from the land of the dead to slap my face off and teach me lessons he never had time to teach me in life.  Lessons he himself was not savvy enough to to teach me before he passed.  I am a son without a father. A father without guidance. Struggles ensue, lessons to be learned.
I guess this means selfish desires are to be cast aside, I have a human being that is half me that needs guidance in this world.  That is something to live for.

Cooking has become my new outlet, it has risen to a level of importance beyond expectation.  It is calming. it relaxes me and sets the stressful issues aside during moments of duress.  I am temporarily removed from the ebb and flow of the dull routine aspiring to acquiesce to the mundane existence that has been offered us.  How can I? What can I? Do? I'm next to broke all the time, my family is of no means to support this war I wish to wage, my enemy is limitless and morality is of no concern...resources abound! What can one accomplish? I am not David to their Goliath, I am just...some guy in a basement apartment drinking and thinking. A worrisome downward spiral from which is near impossible to overcome.  I've been trying...  Some ideas prevail, yet others flounder.  Hiding in my room filling my life with YouTube, Netflix and sleep has not solved anything.  I have found going outside to be troublesome as well. I tend to walk out my door with every intent on accomplishing something productive, but as always happens, I slowly corrupt my purpose and make my way to where I said I wouldn't go.  I'm not safe at home, at work, or just out...it follows me everywhere.  What started as a vacation turned into a vocation, though this one costs much more dearly. The challenge lies before me.  An effort must be made on my part to fill my time and my liver with much more than liquor.  i am trying to adjust my ways, i have tried numerous things to distract my thirst, but like a vampire to fresh blood, as am I to the drink.  Biking, walking, reading, gardening, cooking all make me happy. The whole of this list make me feel as if I'm bettering myself,  yet the problem lies with the fact that whilst preparing and cooking I imbibe...
Julienne the onions...sip. Sautée the vegetables...sip. Simmer the sauce...sip. Bring to a boil...sip. Pasta al dente...sip. Strain...sip. Combine...sip.  Plate...sip.........
                                                                                                     ........
                                                                                                             .....
                                                                                                                  ...
                                                                                                                     .
I venture out for a walk, or a ride and eventually I find myself standing in front of a liquor store cashier holding a bottle I didn't even ask for.  Not because it is being forced upon me, but due to the fact it is what I always ask for. I got a fucking bottle of whisky for Christmas last year. That is some kind of special.

It's hard work, this whole climbing out of a rut...  Everyday I ask myself a thousand times if I wanna go to the pub...  Do ya maybe wanna pop by the liquor store? Is there any booze left? If there's none of that, does anyone I know know where to find you know what? Faaaack.

Nonstop. This is waaay harder than I thought.  Ask yourself 100 times.  Answer emphatically NO 99 times.  Answer YES meekly once and you fail.  This shit is tough.  I'm on my own, support is lacking because I'm too proud to reach out. I'm stubborn and selfish and stupid.
I did, however, extend an olive branch to a man I just recently betrayed, in an attempt to repair our falling out.  I was still reeling from an earthquake in my own life and used him to a point that was beyond disrespect. It hurts me everyday.  I wrote an apology letter and left it in his mailbox.  Is this cowardice?  Would you prefer I approached personally to deliver a bastardized version of what I needed to say? This way I've formulated my thoughts and delivered them without disruption.  Face to face is a meeting meant for the future.  I have no hope here.  I have said my piece on paper to the wronged party.  If said party wishes it so, I would love to open up a dialogue in an attempt to salvage the friendship.  Respect and admiration bordering on idolatry have made this betrayal feel far worse than any in the past.  Never have I been so mad at myself for stabbing my boss in the back.  The things I would endure  to take it all back....

Happy new year! This year marks the beginning of an upward trend in my life.  At least that is the plan. With past decisions and many mistakes along the way, I have dug myself into a deep crevasse and the harder I try to climb out I seem to slip deeper. I know that things you've experiences in life assist in developing the person you become. No experience is good or bad, everything is an opportunity to learn. My problem is putting mine in to some form in which I benefit.
My past mistakes have created hurdles that hinder my ability to climb from out from the deep.
If I don't focus this year on fixing some of these problems I am seriously fucked. From debt, to DUI, lack of consistent employment, a baby and issues with addiction.
This year is dedicated to improving my quality of life. I owe it to myself, my family and friends. I owe it to humanity to better myself to do my part to make this world a better place.

Game plan? Ha! Shit...never been too good at planning. I think the first step is to reacquaint myself with family and make right the wrongs. I feel I've let some people down. Steady work has to be priority now. I have already toned down on drugs, drinking is in decline. Saving money is the only way I can tackle the rest of the fuckups.

This is gonna be a tough year for me. It's gonna be hard work and its gonna be emotionally exhausting, but I have to believe I can get myself on the right path out of the darkness that has enveloped my life.

Some of the things that got me here are in the title... They are not the things I want anymore, I want comfort, control, autonomy and self sustainability.  I want to work for me instead of constantly making my life more and more pathetic. It's a sad day when you don't even love yourself enough to want to get out of bed.

Wish me luck, and if you have any tips, I'm never too proud for advice or a hand up.  One day I hope to be in a position to help others out of their ruts.